Stuck a bit today in the moments I found Aaron. We were at the Church Daycare for a tour. It was cold in there. When I found him he was blue and very cold. I remember thinking, “Whelp, I guess he’s dead.” I realize I immediately went into shock. I pulled him out of his car seat and and I remember feeling panic. I handed him to Amber and frantically asked her if he was breathing. I knew he wasn’t. I just didn’t want to believe it. She had me start CPR on him. That was easy. That’s a process. I could do that. Goodbye feelings. Good old process.
I hate everything about this. I hate that Amber keeps saying, “He’d be X months old now” or “He’d be in his first Halloween costume now.” I don’t want to think about those things. I’d much rather suppress those memories.
I’ve told 2 people in the last 2 days to get a counselor. I hate mine. I’ve been going but she didn’t push back when we said we should go to monthly. It’s been 3 weeks. Feels like a year. I need to meet with her but I don’t want to.
I hate this. I hate writing this and feeling this and thinking this.
Why couldn’t he have just lived? I’m sure I’d think my life was hard, but at least it wouldn’t be this. I’ve seen pictures of myself with him and that person is happy. Happiness is not something I’ve experienced. I have fun and smile and do things that I enjoy. But I haven’t found happiness. It doesn’t exist.
Tears have been missing lately though. The last time was with the fucking LEGO catalog. FUCK IT! My thoughts were, “I’m glad I didn’t buy that LEGO set last year that cost $100 because Aaron died and I wanted to buy it to put it together with him every year.” FUCK fuck fuck fuck fuck!!!!!
I hate this. I’ve found my tears. I hate this.
There is some lawn service outside. They’ve been outside all day. I want them to go away.
I found a new game on Saturday at Savers for $4. Parks. I put it together next to Aaron’s shrine and it was nearly complete. Only missing 1 piece. I wonder if I can get that piece.
I hate this. I haven’t felt anything towards Amber since we had a big fight on Thursday night. I’m sure she didn’t think it was a fight but she made me have a serious conversation with her at like 11:30pm at night. What a Sharron thing to do. I’m SO mad about that still apparently. I hope she never reads this as I don’t want her to know. It’s a secret. I’m bad at secrets.
Another house showing on Tuesday. Still no offers. I hate that house. I wish we’d never bought it. Parker lived there though and that was good. Duncan too. I miss them. Cats suck. Toto wasn’t bad but she died too. What the fuck.
Duncan is still alive but he belongs to Janet and Will now. I could steal him but it wouldn’t be fair. Maybe that’s just a stupid excuse. I don’t know.
I can’t get comfortable.
I got some weird dinosaur + gold blind box thing. You have to dig it out. I don’t want to make a mess.
This Disney credit card we got sounded good. You can earn up to $300 a year in free money. That doesn’t sound like a lot.
Do I need to go blow the leaves at my house? I have no idea. My real estate agent sucks. I’m a bad communicator but he’s the worst. Punky said he was good.
I guess I’m done.